


Oikawa Tooru's Toxic Coping Mechanisms

by kieranlikesplants



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Body Image, Break Up, Crying, Cutting, Depression, M/M, References to Depression, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-30
Updated: 2018-10-15
Packaged: 2019-07-20 13:31:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16138256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kieranlikesplants/pseuds/kieranlikesplants
Summary: When the question of Oikawa and Iwaizumi's future 'together' arises, the discussion turns for the worst and the two decide to go their separate ways.How does Oikawa cope with the emotions he is left with? Will he recover, or will he be caught in a downward spiral of toxic coping mechanisms?/WARNING/This is likely to become dark in later chapters, including cheating, self harm, ect.





	1. Chapter 1 - Break up

It was winter vacation, a time which most third-year students spend all their time studying for the end of year examinations. This is what Iwaizumi and Oikawa were doing, before they came upon the topic of university, ‘next year’ and their relationship among all this.

“We’re… still going to be together next year, right?” Oikawa asks, breaking the silence that had fallen during the intense study.

Iwaizumi stops writing, pausing for a second. He looks up at Oikawa, puzzled.

“Where did this come from?”

“I’m just wondering… I mean, we’re pretty serious, right? I’d like for us to stay together. I really love you.” Oikawa flashes a meek smile, a hint of a blush showing on his cheeks.

A lump forms in Iwaizumi’s throat.

“Well… I don’t know.” 

Oikawa freezes. He hadn’t expected this answer. What does Iwa mean, ‘I don’t know’? They loved each other, didn’t they?

“Sorry, what?”

“Um, well, maybe?”

Both of them felt the calm study atmosphere starting to break down. There was tension, when Oikawa continued, with a breathy laugh.

“What is that supposed to mean? You’re just joking, right?”

There’s silence, as Iwaizumi avoids Oikawa’s eye contact.

“Iwa-chan?” 

“I… was hoping this wouldn’t come up…” He mumbled. Iwaizumi faces Oikawa, and worriedly continues, “I… don’t think that you should be so committed to me. I mean, we’re almost finished highschool, and…” He trails off, the implication screaming loudly.

“Wait, no, we promised that the end of highschool wouldn’t mean anything. That we would be strong enough to stay together, that-"

“That was then, Oikawa… this is now.” He sadly continued, “But you’re going to continue volleyball. You’re going to be travelling, and training, all the time. When will I see you? You know I’m staying here in Miyagi. I have plans of my own, and I can’t just be waiting for you to come back when you please. It’s painful. And you? People love you. You’ll be swarmed by girls and even guys, and who am I to hold you back?”

There’s a silence. Oikawa is in shock, trying to absorb what just happened.

His mind races, going through multiple possibilities.

What had he done wrong? Had he been too clingy? Had he been too smothering?

Maybe Iwaizumi was just finally sick of him. 

Oikawa continued with these nasty thoughts lingering, and spoke with an edge on his tongue.

“How long have you felt this way?”

“Felt what way?”

“Felt like I’m clinging onto you. Felt like you need to be rid of me. Like-“

“God, Oikawa no, it’s not like that at all. Did you not listen at all?”

“I heard you loud and clear. I’m willing to put in the effort to keep us together. But obviously you aren’t.”

He felt his chest becoming heavy, with a sinking feeling as he assumed the worst.

“Oikawa, no-“

“No… You’ve already made up your mind.”

Silence again.

“It’s for your own good. You don’t need me tying you down.”

Bullshit. The only good Oikawa needed was Iwaizumi. He had friends, sure, but none could replace him. There was no one else he could cry to. No one else to embrace. No one else. 

“So…” Oikawa started, quietly. He feared if he spoke any louder his voice might give out. “Is this it, then?”

“We should stay together until the end of school. I still love-“

“Stay together with a big, looming due date?”

“No, stay together while we can, because we still love each other.”

Oikawa laughed, monotonously. 

“You make it sound like someone’s about to die.” He felt like he might die, but that’s beside the point. “I don’t think I can.”

“Sorry?”

“I don’t think I could stay with you. It would hurt too much. Especially if I’m giving you everything. I know you can’t give it back… I just can’t.”

“Oh…” Iwaizumi swallowed. “I understand.”

An awkward silence followed. They sat still, both staring at the papers that were strewed across Iwaizumi’s table. Five minutes passed before Oikawa stirred, bringing his legs to his chest and hugging them there.

His mind wouldn’t stop racing among the possibilities for why Iwaizumi felt this way. He tried to focus on the fact that Iwaizumi obviously wanted to stay friends, or on good terms at least. He couldn’t have screwed up that badly if Iwaizumi could still look at him, right?

His breathing became faster as he thought back on the past, thought back to when they first started dating. The promises they made, the things they did. It became too much for Oikawa when he felt his eyes beginning to prickle, and he stared at the table. 

“I think I should go.” Was the first thing said in over ten minutes, as Oikawa began to pack up his things.

“Oikawa, I’m sorry.” Iwaizumi offered, as he collected some of Oikawa’s papers and belongings, handing them to him. Oikawa stuffed them into his bag, getting up and starting for the front door.

“Don’t be.” He replied, flatly. “I’ll pick up whatever I’ve left here sometime.”

“Okay,” Iwaizumi breathed, as he grabbed Oikawa’s hand before he could leave. “hey.”

Oikawa turned back to him, eyes watery as the two made eye contact. He turned fully, now facing Iwaizumi. 

He stood up, so that the two faced each other. Iwaizumi then stepped closer to Oikawa, before enveloping him in a gentle embrace.

“I really am sorry, Tooru.” He softly, sadly, mumbled into his shoulder. “Its for the best.”

Stunned, Oikawa returned the embrace, finally breaking down.

“Ha-Hajimeeee…. I l-love you….” Oikawa managed, between sobs, as he gripped the back of the other boys sweater.

Iwaizumi pulled back, bringing his hands to Oikawa’s face, cupping his cheeks with his hands.

He slowly brought their lips together, into a gentle kiss.

This was goodbye.

Oikawa wiped his face with his sleeve, and left the Iwaizumi household with his head hung in sadness.


	2. Chapter 2 - Milk Bread

The end of the holidays saw Oikawa alone in his room most days, lethargic and confined to his bed. He attempted to study, but even thinking about being in Iwaizumi’s class brought him irrational, yet still indescribably terrible, pain. 

After hearing about what happened from Iwaizumi, Hanamaki and Matsukawa decided to visit Oikawa, to make sure he was coping okay. After all, while Oikawa appears independent and strong from his flawless façade, he is known to crumble on the inside, self-destructing. 

The mischievous duo had only seen this side of Oikawa once, shortly after he had injured his knee. He had been pushing himself to train with his three friends only two weeks after the injury, causing it to become worse after a faulty landing. They watched as Oikawa broke down, refusing to let anyone touch him as he cried out in agony. No one had noticed how much Oikawa had been tearing himself up inside, until he was screaming about being not good enough to be the teams setter, and about having a body so weak that it couldn’t heal a small injury.

Hanamaki and Matsukawa could only stand by as Iwaizumi calmed him.

Oikawa came back to school a few days later with a more protective knee brace and a prolonged healing time, however, acted like nothing had happened. Iwaizumi had of course warned them not to mention anything, just to keep an eye on him.

And when it came down to it, whenever something happened with Oikawa, Iwaizumi was there to fix him. 

“Do you think he’ll see us? Will he come out of his depressive post-breakup cocoon to say hello?” Makki joked.

“I hope so. Iwaizumi said that he isn’t answering any calls or texts he sends,” Matsukawa replied. “Which, I think is fair enough. I wouldn’t want to talk to my ex right after a breakup either. But I just hope he’s like, alive, for starters.” 

Hanamaki hummed in agreeance. “Yeah, I guess I would feel the same.”

As the duo turned onto Oikawa’s street, they debated who should present him with his beloved milk bread.

“I paid for it, therefore I should have the honour,” Matsukawa argued.

“Yeah but it was my idea!” Hanamaki retorted. 

“Don’t lie. Iwaizumi totally hinted you in on the idea.”

“Yeah well… shut up. I want him to know I care and how better to do so than with milk bread?”

“I’m sure you’ll think of something. Offer your body or something.”

“What? No! He’ll probably sacrifice me to aliens.”

“Dumbass, you need to be a virgin to be given as a sacrifice.”

“Nah you’re thinking of the devil. I’m talking aliens.”

“You do you, if you get taken away though good luck.” Matsukawa finished. “Anyway, shut up. We’re here.”

Matsukawa knocked on the door to the Oikawa household, straightening his posture as he awaited a reply.

Footsteps came closer to the door, a pause, then the door opened.

“Matsukawa! Hanamaki! It’s so good to see you both! Come here you two.” Oikawa’s mother hugged them both tightly before motioning them inside. “Come in, come in! It’s freezing outside. Would you like some tea?”

“No thank you Ms Oikawa, we’re here to see how Tooru has been going, actually.” Matsukawa replied with a polite smile. “How has he been?”

He was faced with a look of confusion and worry from Oikawa’s mother. “What’s this now? Is there something wrong?”

Hanamaki and Matsukawa shared a knowing look. ‘He’s definitely been acting fine to his family. He hasn’t said anything yet.’

“Oh you know, just with the examintions coming up I figure he’s going to be studying himself to death as always. We’ve got to keep an eye on this boy of yours, Ms Oikawa! You know how he is.” Covers Hanamaki. 

“Oh, is that all? Well yes, he’s been cooped upstairs in his room almost all holidays! Its good that you boys have dropped by, it’ll force him to be social with someone other than Hajime for once!” She laughed, unknowingly confirming the duo’s worries. “Well, go on then, I won’t keep you down here. Try and bring him down out of his study bubble if you can!”

“We’ll try!” Hanamaki and Matsukawa say, as they head upstairs.

“He hasn’t said anything yet? But it’s been a week, and him and his mum are so close!” Hanamaki whispered, while they were climbing the stairs.

“He must be coping worse than we thought, then.” Matsukawa replied, grimly. He knocked on Oikawa’s door, yelling, “Oikawa, it’s us! Makki and Matsun, your two favourite people!”

When there was no reply, Hanamaki knocked as well, a bit louder. “Hey, come on, we have treats and everything!”

There was groaning inside the room, followed by a thud. Hanamaki and Matsukawa shared a confused look, while shuffling inside the room ensued. Eventually, the door opened slightly, only a sliver of Oikawa’s face visible among the darkness.

“Makki? Matsun?” He croaked, sighing, before he closed the door again. There was a click as Oikawa turned the light on, and more shuffling.

Hanamaki and Matsukawa were reduced to giving eachother worried and confused looks while Oikawa moved about in his room.

The door opened again, this time to a bright room, and a bright Oikawa.

“What brings you two to my abode on this fine day?” Oikawa all but announced, with his normal Oikawa flair. “You missed me so much you couldn’t last even a few more days to see me! How cute!” 

“Good to see you up and at ‘em, Oikawa!” Hanamaki replied, bouncing off Oikawa’s seemingly positive energy. “We actually had a delivery for you-“

“Yeah, I bought you a treat, as promised through the impossible barrier between you and I. Also known as a door.” Matukawa interjected.

“Hey, no, Matsu you can’t just steal my thunder like that!”

“Can’t steal it if it doesn’t exist.”

“Huh?-“

“Oh, treats! What have you attained for your highness today?” Oikawa sat on his bed, making grabby hands at the bag Matsukawa had brought with him.

“I’m sure your highness will be very pleased,” Matsukawa got down on one knee, offering the bag to Oikawa on top of the bed.

“You know what? I feel cheated.” Hanamaki claimed.

“Hush, peasant.” Oikawa said, grabbing the bag before peeking inside. 

The moment he saw the milk bread, his face dropped from the fun, mucking around expression, to a reminiscent and devoid expression.

He quickly regained his composure, lifting the bread out of the bag as if it were an infant, cradling it in his arms.

“I am thoroughly pleased, sir Issei. I shall devour this at a more opportune time, however your majesty has just eaten lunch.”

“Yes, your highness.”

A beat passed, with no one knowing how to continue from the obscure role play, before they all broke out into a light laughter.

Something about Oikawa was off, though, which of course was to be expected. His laugh wasn’t as full as it was when Iwaizumi was around. His smile wasn’t quite as wide, either. His happy expression wasn’t as genuine.

Hanamaki and Matsukawa stayed over for a good few hours, before their mothers started insisting they come home. 

“Hey Oikawa, you have our numbers, right?” Hanamaki asked. “I know for a fact that I never hear from you. Give me a buzz sometime!”

“Oh boy, you’re the only one. I get hourly check ups from the one and only Oikawa. It’s a blessing.” Matsukawa joked, until he saw Hanamaki’s mortified face. “I’m just joking! Seriously though, we’re here for you, yeah?”

They had tiptoed around the elephant in the room all night, but it was time to address it.

“Yeah, we care about you. You can talk to us about anything.” Hanamaki continued.

“You guys are getting all sentimental on me, I’m not used to it. Where’s the meme team I know and hate - I mean love?” Oikawa tried to avoid what they were getting at. He didn’t need their pity. 

“Oikawa.” Matsukawa sternly looked him in the eye. “You know we heard about what happened.”

“About what?” Oikawa feigned innocence. Don’t say it, he thought. We can stay happy, and lighthearted, he thought. Don’t ruin this with my problems.

“Iwaizumi told us.” Hanamaki supported. “About the breakup.”

“Oh, that.” Oikawa said, meekly. “Its fine, really. I mean it was probably bound to happen. Anyway, we should meet up soon, and have a movie night or something! How does mothman sound to you guys?”

He was trying desperately to avoid the topic. It didn’t matter. He wanted to be left alone in his pit of depression to wallow. He was fine. He just needed to cope with it. He didn’t want to worry them. He would be-

“Look, we get you don’t want to bring it up and all, but just remember that we’re your friends too, okay? Don’t leave us out. We care!” Matsukawa offered sincerely. 

Hanamaki’s phone buzzed again, signifying another text from his mother.

“Just reach out, okay? We’re a call away, but further if you keep us out of your loop.” Hanamaki said. “But we really do care. We want to make sure you’re okay.”

“I’m totally cool with it guys! You’re making a big deal out of nothing. I mean, we’re still friends. I don’t think Iwa-ch- Iwaizumi could go long without seeing my pretty face anyway. Who could go long without seeing me?” Oikawa bluffed his way away from the topic yet again. “I think the person you should really be checking up on, to be honest, is Hajime. He’s always been a bit sensitive, you know?”

“We’re not talking about him. We’re talking about you.” Matsukawa stayed firm, addressing it head on. “You haven’t even told your parents, have you?”

“What? I’m sure I mentioned it! They probably just forgot, you know, as you get older your memory goes, well, it goes, doesn’t it?” Oikawa continued.

Matsukawa sighed, as Hanamaki’s phone buzzed again.

“Hey, I need to go Oikawa. I’m sorry. But really, text or call whenever, we’re both here for you.” Hanamakki said, before turning to leave. 

“Hey, meet me out the front Makki.” Matsukawa said, before Hanamaki left. 

He turned to Oikawa, before stepping towards the bed, sitting down, and enveloping him in a hug.

“Matsun-“

“Shush. Just hug.”

Oikawa felt the strong arms around him, before relaxing into the embrace. He was confused as to why Matsukawa would suddenly do this, also simultaneously thankful, but couldn’t tell why.

He smelt Matsukawa’s deodorant mixed with sweat and his scent, and mistook it for Iwaizumi for a moment. He wrapped his hands around Matsukawa’s broad back, and just for a moment, felt safe. Felt okay.

Matsukawa pulled away when his phone buzzed, his mother also anxious about why her son wasn’t home yet.

“When I say we’re here for you, I mean it.” Matsukawa said, staring into Oikawa’s eyes. “I’m here for you.”

“Issei, I…” Oikawa couldn’t find the words for what he was feeling. His chest didn’t feel as empty as it had felt before. He felt lighter, happier. “Thank you.” 

“Please take care of yourself. Call me if you need anything, from food to company. I’ll be here.” Matsukawa rose from the bed, and gave Oikawa a squeeze on the shoulder before heading for the door.

After Matsukawa left, Oikawa reached for the milk bread that he had previously put aside.

It was from his favourite bakery. No doubt Iwaizumi sent the two there before they came. He was the only one that knew about it.

He opened the bread, smelling it, before tearing a small piece off and putting it in his mouth.

With each bite, he remembered the times they visited the bakery together. The time that Iwaizumi ordered strawberry cheesecake thinking it sounded nice, and was completely shocked when it came out as a pink, fluffy and overstated looking thing. He turned red as other customers listened in to Oikawa’s teasing. 

Hajime ended up loving the dessert, much to his embarrassment. He ordered it every time they went in together, like a ritual.

‘I wonder if he still visits?’

‘I wonder if he still orders the cheesecake?’

‘What if I bump into him there one day?’

Oikawa couldn’t stop his mind thinking about all the what if’s and maybe’s. 

Silent tears falling down his cheeks turned into violent sobs as he continued to reminisce about the many memories he and Hajime shared.


	3. Chapter 3 - Empty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Trigger warning for self harm**
> 
> A lot of flashback.   
> I'm talking like, 1500 words of flashback.

Oikawa was as happy as he could possibly be after losing such a significant part of himself.

 

He had spent most of his break in bed, browsing various social media ‘breakup’ tags, binge eating and generally being miserable.

 

The night Hanamaki and Matsukawa visited was amazing, and Oikawa was grateful, but he couldn’t bring himself to message either of them first. Matsukawa had sent a few check-up messages, but Oikawa put his happy-go-lucky tone on, responding with emojis and an obvious ‘I don’t want to talk about it’ vibe.

 

He even managed to tell his mother, who had asked when Iwaizumi was going to come over next, curious as to why he hadn’t been over at all. Tooru responded with a shaky ‘he won’t be coming over for a while. I think we’re taking a break.’ His mother hugged him, and left it at that.

 

It was a lie, but his mother probably knew that. It was a break. He didn’t ‘think’ they were. It was over, with no if’s but’s or maybe’s.

 

Eventually this bliss of avoidance and procrastination did not last for much longer. There came the night before the final school term. Oikawa managed to muster his confidence, thinking about how to act around Iwaizumi, how to respond to him, how to avoid him. Doing so made Oikawa anxious, and more so depressed.

 

Oikawa couldn’t help it, he just couldn’t stop thinking about why Iwaizumi had suggested the breakup. Obviously ‘for the best’, as he wouldn’t stop saying. Obviously because they were going to go in different directions.

 

But most obviously because Oikawa had fucked up somehow, right?

 

Maybe Oikawa had been too clingy. He had been a bit jealous recently, since a lot of younger students both male and female had confessed to Iwaizumi. Of course he refused them all kindly, but… it still set Oikawa off.

 

A lesser known fact about Tooru is his poor body image. He hates his body with all his consciousness.  

 

So of course he got jealous. Many of those girls were pretty. Some were sexy. Even the boys were good-looking. Compared to Oikawa, they were a million times better fit to stand next to Iwaizumi. But on the other hand, none of them deserved it. No one knew Hajime like Tooru does. Or rather, like Tooru.. did.

 

Oikawa was known for his clingy tendancies among the team. Not all of them knew about the romance underlying the banter and teasing, but most had clued in that there was something there. Matsukawa and Hanamaki especially liked to tease Oikawa about his ‘yandere’ habits. Oikawa laughed along, but always made mental notes on what he should, shouldn’t, can and cannot do in public based on his friends reactions. Was asking Hajime for maths answers too exploitative? Was holding hands on the way home too showy? Was telling everyone that he needed to go somewhere and needed Iwaizumi to escort him too obsessive?

 

He had always asked Iwaizumi what was and wasn’t okay, but he always avoided the question, saying something generic like ‘of course it’s okay if its you’ or ‘I think it’s cute’. Maybe he just didn’t want to hurt Oikawa’s feelings.

 

Hours passed with this train of thought, and the more Oikawa thought, the worse they became.

 

‘How long has he wanted to say this?’

 

‘He’s probably wanted to do this for so long, but couldn’t think of a good enough excuse.’

 

‘God, what’s wrong with me. Why didn’t I see this coming?’

 

‘Of course he would do this, I’m surprised we started dating in the first place.’

 

‘What was I thinking. I’ve never deserved him.’

 

The next thing he knew; he was in tears.

 

‘Is it going to be like this every time I think of him?’

 

‘Am I that pathetic?’

 

‘I’m not only possessive and psychotic, but pathetic.’

 

‘I can’t believe myself… I’m so useless. Even Hajime thinks so.’

 

Oikawa stopped sniffling for a moment, feeling empty and craving emotion. He became quiet, making his mother was still out shopping for dinner and father at work.

 

He headed to the bathroom quickly, holding tears as he did so. When he entered, he locked the door, heading towards the mirror above the sink. He opened the mirror cupboard, searching for the packet of extra shaving blades, the ones used to replace a blade when the old one gets too blunt.

 

“Ah, there it is.” Oikawa mumbled to himself.

 

He bit his lip, pulling his sweat pants to his knees as he sat on the edge of the bath tub.  

 

He looked upon the many thin white lines littered among his thighs, scars that had healed years ago, shortly after he and Hajime first started dating.

 

Thinking about it made him tear up.

 

_“Hey, Oikawa,” Iwaizumi started, in an almost awkward tone._

_“I told you to call me Tooru! I like It better.” Oikawa beamed back at him, walking further up the path to get home._

_Iwaizumi stopped in his tracks, crossing his arms._

_“Tooru.”_

_Oikawa wasn’t sure if he liked that tone. It was a serious tone. No, Iwaizumi was always serious, it was more… inquisitive. Curious._

_“Yes, Iwa-chan?”_

_“When we get back, I want to…” He gulped, taking a few steps closer. “I want to hold you, Tooru. If you want to as well, that is.”_

_Oh._

_Oh no._

_Oikawa didn’t know what to say. He froze where he was._

_“Of course I want you to, Hajime!” Oikawa faltered, keeping a smile on his face._

_He really did want to be held, that wasn’t a lie. The problem was…_ that _._

_“What’s wrong?”_

_Iwaizumi knew Oikawa’s uncomfortable smile when he saw it. He could tell it from a mile away, let alone being right next to it._

_“Nothing at all! Why would anything be wrong?” Oikawa recovered from his frozen state, continuing to walk, now backwards to face the shorter male._

_“Hmph. Nevermind. Let’s go then,” Iwaizumi walked faster, catching up and walking a few steps ahead. “Let’s go to my house.”_

_Oikawa could swear there were tinges of pink on both of their ears and cheeks._

Oikawa picked the blade up from the counter, and rested it on his thigh. It was cold. He took a deep breath, picking it up again and resting the corner against the skin.

 

He lightly dragged it across the skin, disappointed when nothing showed up.

 

He lifted the metal, before repeating the action, this time with more pressure. Oikawa softly smiled at the tiny red beads spotting along the new line.

 

_“Tadaima.” Iwaizumi entered his home, allowing Oikawa in before closting the door._

_“Excuse the intrusion,” Oikawa called out. “Is anyone home?”_

_“Doesn’t look like it.” Iwaizumi replied._

_They took their shoes off, sharing a look of lust before heading to Iwaizumi’s room. Iwaizumi again let Oikawa in, before closing the door behind him._

_Before he got very far, Oikawa approached him, touching his forearms gently, looking him deep in the eyes._

_Hajime touched his hips, running his hands up Tooru’s sides, then front, before sliding the taller boy’s blazer off in a smooth motion. Oikawa mirrored this action, albeit in a rougher, faster action._

_They lingered in the centre of the room as Tooru brought his hands up to Hajime’s jaw, tenderly brushing it as he leaned forward._

_This action was not foreign to them after a few months together. They had spent many evenings alone in the club room after practice, savouring the taste of one another._

_Iwaizumi reached for Oikawa’s top button, before undoing it, following suit with the rest before sliding the shirt off as well. He made quick work of his own while Oikawa moved for their trouser buttons. Their lips never separated._

Oikawa couldn’t stop.

 

His leg was now covered in smaller and larger beads of ruby red.

 

He was sobbing, soaking the liquid with toilet paper with no rush whatsoever. He liked to watch the bead begin, then grow bigger and bigger. It was hypnotising.

 

It felt good to feel something again.

 

_“Nn, Hajime,” Oikawa mumbled between Iwaizumi’s lips and his own. “Turn off the light..”_

_“Eh?” Iwaizumi continued to let his hands roam, teasing the waistline of Oikawa’s pants._

_“The light,” He repeated. “Can we turn it off?”_

_Iwaizumi pushed Oikawa towards the bed to the other side of the room. Oikawa backed onto the bed, giving Iwaizumi a very tempting look, while biting his bottom lip. Hajime turned the bedroom light off, before carefully making his way to the bed._

_“Happy?” He asked as he lowered his pants. He pushed Oikawa to lay down on the bed, clambering on top before returning his lips to Oikawa’s._

_“Mm, yeah,” He replied, reaching his arms around Iwaizumi. “Now touch me, god damn it.”_

_Iwaizumi softly moaned against Oikawa’s lips, slowly reaching for his pants waistband, pulling it down. Oikawa lifted himself when necassery, allowing Iwaizumi to rid his body of anything other than underwear._

_Oikawa’s heartbeat sped up. He was risking a lot, but tried to hide how nervous he was._

_Much to his surprise, Iwaizumi began kissing his way down Oikawa’s chest, lowering his hands down his chest also, then his abdomen, over his still-clothed hips, down his inner thighs, as he softly spread them, while he lowered his head._

_Oikawa had been holding his breath, both because he was incredibly turned on, and because Iwaizumi was putting his hands dangerously close to the part of his thighs that he hated._

_Hajime planted a kiss below Oikawa’s belly button, licking his way down before mouthing Oikawa’s length through the underwear._

_“Nn… Iwa…” Oikawa let out, as he bit his lip._

_Iwaizumi ran his hands back up Oikawa’s calves, intending to go up to the hips and finally remove the underwear, but as his hands got to Oikawa’s knees he suddenly felt hands on top of his own, lifting them up to the hips._

_Iwaizumi firmly continued, not allowing his hands to be removed. He wanted the tension that had been building up to be worth it._

_Oikawa’s heart skipped a beat as Iwaizumi ran is hands over Oikawa’s thighs, slipping his fingers under the bottom hem of the underwear._

_‘He mustn’t have noticed.’ Oikawa thought, letting out the breath he’d been holding._

_Iwaizumi ran his hands back down over the bumpy skin, before bringing his face up to Oikawa’s._

_“What’s on your leg?” Hajime asked, quietly._

_‘Oh no.’ He thought. Panic bubbled in his throat. ‘No no no. Not yet. Not now. Ignore it.’_

_“Probably goosebumps,” His voice trembled as he spoke. He tried to distract Iwaizumi, kissing him softly. “Hey, keep going-“_

_“That doesn’t feel like goosebumps,” Iwaizumi declared, with a concerned tone. He rose from the bed, leaving Oikawa reeling._

_Oikawa realised he was going to turn the light on. He scrambled for the blanket that he had been laying on top of, getting his legs underneath as the light flickered on and they both winced at the brightness._

_“Tooru.”_

_‘He’s mad. I’m keeping secrets. He’s furious. What do I do? I need to leave. I can’t stay like this. He’ll take the blanket. He’ll see everything.’_

_Oikawa meekly met Iwaizumi’s eyes before darting his own away to stare at the wall._

_“What’s going on?” He was softer, more gentle than usual. He sat on the bed, reaching out to Oikawa’s shoulder._

_Oikawa curled up, a lump in his throat as he tried to avoid the touch._

_“Nothing. Everything’s dandy.”_

_“Hey, come on…”_

_He reached for the edge of the blanket, trying to remove it. Oikawa quickly grabbed the edge and gripped it firmly, not allowing it to be removed._

_“No. Don’t.” He was breaking. His voice cracked as he looked down to his lap. “Please don’t.”_

_“Tooru, please.” He gently undid Oikawa’s tight grip on the blanket, slowly removing it._

_Iwaizumi saw the numerous angry gashes along the slender, pale thighs. He was shocked. While he knew about Oikawa’s sometimes toxic coping methods, such as ‘forgetting’ breakfast when an important match was coming up, or overdoing training when he was stressed, this was a whole new level. He felt so guilty for not noticing. Not seeing it sooner._

_“Oikawa…” He whispered._

_“I’m sorry.” Oikawa mumbled. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry Hajime.” His voice became more and more strained, as he squinted his eyes to hold back tears._

_“Why are you sorry?” Iwaizumi was perplexed, he was the one that was sorry. “Tooru… How long? Why?”_

_“I’m sorry because I’m like this.” He continued. “I’m pathetic.”_

_“No you’re not-“_

_“No, I know I am, you don’t have to pretend.” He mumbled, cutting Iwaizumi off. Taking a deep breath he continued, “Since the last year of middle school. I can’t say why. It just… It makes me feel.”_

_“Makes you feel what? Feel good?”_

_“It’s just… feeling.” Oikawa replied. “It’s something that isn’t numb.”_

_He was now clenching his hands tightly into fists in his lap, digging his nails into his palm. Iwaizumi soon noticed, gently prying them open and holding Oikawa’s hands in his own._

_They sat in silence for a few moments._

_“I’m sorry for ruining it.”_

_“Is this why you didn’t want to?”_

_“Yeah,” He offered. “I’ve been trying not to. So that you wouldn’t notice for our first time. But every time I’m doing okay, I just… can’t keep it up.”_

_“Oh, Oikawa.” Iwaizimi replied. “I’m so sorry.”_

_He engulfed the taller male, holding him close._

_“Iwa… Why? It’s my problem, don’t be sorry, please.”_

_“I should have noticed.”_

_“You couldn’t have…”_

_“But I have now.”_

_He leaned back, sitting up straight._

_“I’m here. Try not to do it again… Please.” He tried to make eye contact with Oikawa, but he was staring, no, glaring at his lap. “For me?”_

_“I can’t promise.” He mumbled._

_“I don’t care. Just try. Please.”_

_Silence._

_“Okay.”_

Oikawa cleaned up his leg with warm water, then dried it with more toilet paper until the bleeding stopped. He’d made sure to keep the injuries high enough to be covered by his underwear, to avoid complications when getting changed for practice.

 

‘Two years clean… gone…’ He thought to himself.

 

He sighed as he donned his sweat pants, packed up his re-found habit, and walked back to his bedroom. His mother was back, but dinner wasn’t quite ready.

 

‘I’ll just sleep.’ Tooru thought.

 

He collapsed onto his bed, where he had left his now blinking phone, notifying him of messages.

 

**[Iwaizumi]**

Hey, we’re going to see eachother at school tomorrow obviously, so I just wanted to make sure theres no hard feelings. We’re still friends, okay?

 

**[Matsun]**

Hey buddy, just checking in

Hey?

Hellooo

Oikawa, you alright?

Maybe you went to sleep already…

Oh well, make sure not to forget lunch and whatever tomorrow

Makki is laughing at me. I always forget lunch on the first day back. Just looking out for you (´∀｀）

Anyway catch you tomorrow!

 

**[Mama]**

Tooru, is curry okay for dinner?

Nevermind, there was a special on salmon!!

You better not be ignoring me >:(

 

He decided not to respond to Iwaizumi or his mother, they’d both assume he was asleep.

 

>> **[Matsun]**

Hey, yeah I napped. I’m about to go back to sleep.

Thanks for looking after me I feel like a princess {*≧∀≦}

I won’t forget lunch Mommy Matsun~

 

**[Matsun]**

I refuse to show concern for you ever again

Go get your beauty sleep

 

>> **[Matsun]**

Aww <3 you too

You need it (*≧艸≦)

 

**[Matsun]**

Go to bed before I come over there and tuck you in

 

>> **[Matsun]**

That sounds like a pretty neat deal

Just kidding. I’m nodding off as we speak

 

**[Matsun]**

Haha, true that

Alright then, sweet dreams princess Oikawa

 

>> **[Matsun]**

Why thank you, prince Matsun~


End file.
